Six Months On…(and Man Flu)

Some blogger I am, I go away down South for a bit then come back and don’t write anything for months – You’d think that there’d be much more to ‘blog’ about back in the normal world with so much going on yet for some reason for me it was so much easier to write about the anomalies of being trapped in an ‘ice prison’ for 18 months than what happens here in ‘the real world’….

So here we are, September, I haven’t spent so long out of work since I was about nineteen years old I think, I say that, I did manage to pluck up the courage to do a bit of contracting for a whole six days about a month back..Unfortunately that was cut short due to needing to prepare for a different line of work so I’m probably best saying that I’ve been busy, just not gainfully employed….and by gainfully I mean bringing in any cash 🙂

My last few months have been filled with the desperate attempt to change my career from what I currently do, probably a mid life crisis or some deep fear that if I leave it too long I won’t be able to – I think the one thing that Antarctica taught me is that I hate being tied to a desk in an office and love to get outdoors as much as possible, I guess that in itself is not so much of a revelation as I’ve spent most of my life outdoors in one way or another, this is more clarification to me that I need a change and I need to make it happen before another ten years passes and I realise I’m doing the same old thing. I won’t knock the IT industry in which I’m currently obliged to be involved.., it’s been interesting, ever changing and pretty dynamic, it’s allowed me to have qualifications that transfer from country to country and allow me to travel whilst not having a degree or any real school education (I know, what a slacker!) – It is however a very ‘grey’ industry….Because of it’s constant change you never really seem to get the time to learn a product well before it changes, updates or becomes obsolete….and to be honest, after fifteen years….The passion to learn new products (usually out of work hours and at your own cost) starts to dwindle.

So, the things I currently have in the pipeline are pretty interesting in comparison, I have a nearly complete application with the New Zealand Defence Force, An application for an apprenticeship as an Air Traffic Controller in both Australia and New Zealand and a bit more work scheduled with the Australian Antarctic Division shortly supporting the communications systems on the ship and doing a ’round trip’ down South to drop off and pick up…(Which is incidentally over Christmas, my third one in a row….You can imagine how popular I am for that one ) – So there is plenty on the go, all of which involves medicals and security clearance, I seem to be spending most of my time at the doctors or filling out forms……My doctor and I are particularly looking forward to the anal and genital inspection booked up for next week, I volunteered to inspect them myself but it turns out I can’t do quite as tight ‘forward rolls’ as well as I used to…

Another interesting remnant of down south, I haven’t had a proper cold since I got back which basically means I haven’t had one since 2013….and oh how I’ve missed them….NOT!

This was the man flu of doom, I seriously deserve a Victoria cross for all I’ve been through over the past three days whilst bed ridden at home in a bedroom that resembles that scene from the excorcist, the kids are currently on school hols and I only vaguely remember speaking to them twice since last Friday as I moaned in my death throes… I often find women not understanding the truth behind man flu so I have tried to break down the finer points of it below so that it is clear…Any males who have suffered the same (and are still alive) feel free to comment and I will add them in, anyway:

  • From the very onset of manflu you must, repeat must not change your clothes or shave until you either die or the last remnant of green stuff has left your body – If survival is granted then afterwards those clothes should be burnt to stop the spread of infection (take them off first)
  • As a man, you need certain tools to assist in the exorcism of the inner ‘green’, it’s best to surround yourself early on before the paralysis kicks in, these items vary per man but will likely include many boxes of tissues, toilets rolls, vaseline, pills and potions, socks, lots of socks, and pictures of friends in case the moment to pass away comes close…
  • All deposits of tissues or debris must be placed in a pile, on the floor, by the bed, this must not be tidied by the spouse else the male cannot judge how far he is ‘through’ the terminal process – If he is to have any chance of survival the man needs to conserve every ounce of his life force until the bitter end and spread his energy across the full term of the evil – Tidying the tissues will throw his timings, cause misjudgment and may ultimately cost him his life.
  •   All food must be spicy. During the exorcism the male body can ‘up’ it’s intake levels to extraordinary levels (a bit like when the hulk gets angry and has massive strength) – Foods that he would never even consider owning in the house are life threateningly urgent – Jalfrezi’s, Green Thai and Jalapenos are mere snacks to a man with ‘Man Flu’ tolerance, his appetite must be satisfied and this is the duty of the spouse to assist in keeping her partner alive as ambulances do not provide spicy food.
  • Experimental drinks formed with Lemsip, Rum, Ibuprofen and an old capsule of daizapam you still have from a first aid course you did in 1996 are a good basis for creating a man flu re-hydration package. Be warned however, water is crap and holds no real nutrition – Spice tolerance requires creativity in liquid form and every man has a different recipe handed down to them from their man flu sensai.

I don’t want to give too many secrets away just yet but feel this is enough information to be getting on with, if you have any questions about man flu and how it can affect your family, ask a man close to you and he should be able to sit you down and let you into his secrets…

Any questions, let me know

Cheers

Stu

 

 

 

 

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